Four Years Later- Just the Four of Us

As I look back at the events that have brought our family to this point, it is with a sense of wonder and amazement in a God who not only loves us, but, cares deeply about our daily lives as we struggle to go on and continue to tell the story that God has given our family. The concert we held in October to remember them at three years was titled, "Three Brothers, Three Crosses, Three Years Later". I decided to call this letter, “Four years later, just the four of us. We as a family now must go on with the 3 crosses in the ditch as a vivid reminder of what we lost. Connie and I often wear a lapel pin of three crosses. I have one on my pilot’s uniform, which causes others to comment or ask questions. I tell them it not only stands for 3 crosses on Calvary, but it also stands for 3 crosses in a ditch. It is a testimony to three lives taken violently, quickly, and without warning. It also a testimony to a very drunk 22 year old young man who’s life was changed in an instant, never to be the same.

To many, we have experienced the unthinkable, and to some, the unforgivable. This loss has not only given me the darkest days of my life, but has been the source of immeasurable pain and indescribable grief. The countless nights with little or no sleep and the longing to see them again is something that will either lead you to despair, or cause you to embrace the hope that we have in Jesus.

I cannot imagine living the rest of my life without the truth of the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Philippians 3:10 says; “that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings.” As Christians, we want to live in the power of His resurrection, but we are not too excited to be a part of the fellowship of His sufferings.

We have had the privilege to meet so many who have suffered greatly. In most cases, they have shown the grace and mercy of our Lord in the midst of their suffering. Often, in the midst of tragedy when very little makes sense, the power and the faithfulness of a life committed to Jesus Christ is unmistakably clear to see. Those who humbly put their trust in the promises of the God of the universe have unshakable hope and a quiet strength that is beyond human understanding.

In contrast, we have also met those who have no hope, are filled with anger, and do not understand how a loving God would allow pain and suffering. Many do not believe He is a God worth trusting if this is the best that He can do.

I would never say that because we have trusted Christ with our future there never are dark days. Sometimes there are days that are very hard filled with questions and doubts. The deep and painful longing to see them again sometimes brings out the impatient person that I am. I want to see them again in this life. I don’t want to wait until eternity. The question really is, will I trust God when He says in Isaiah 55 that His ways are better than my ways? Will I trust Him when I know that this life will bring many more tragedies before He takes me home to be with Him? Will I trust Him with a life that will never again be “normal” or go according to my plan?

Connie and I have said many times that the second year was much more difficult than the first year. The easiest way for me to explain is that the first year was filled with much to do and people to talk with as we settled the “business” end of the loss. As we approached the second anniversary of the crash, I was sitting in Taco Bell (Ryan and Charles’s favorite restaurant) one day feeling the loss in a way that seemed to reopen and expose the wound causing great pain. I remember crying out to God in prayer saying: why is my heart breaking again now? Will I ever experience happiness in this life again? What kind of father will I be? What kind of husband will I be to Connie? As I sat there in silence, two words came to me. They were Trust Me. It was as if God was saying, “Trust Me with your broken heart. Trust Me with living the rest of your life without them. Trust Me with all the unanswered questions.

Every time the wound is reopened, I am eternally grateful to my parents for leading me to Christ as the only hope for this life.

Corrie Ten Boom who suffered and survived as a prisoner of a Nazi concentration camp said this;
“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.”

It was Monday morning after Matthew, Jacob, and Justin were killed, that the media showed up at our front door asking to interview us. It had only been about 7 hours since we had returned home form the hospital and the morgue. Not knowing what to do, I went into the house to ask Connie what she thought. Without hesitation she said, “I think we should do it.” Her thoughts were that God had given us a story to tell and here was an opportunity to tell hundreds if not thousands of God’s love, mercy, and faithfulness. So that afternoon with satellite trucks, reporters, cameras, and microphones, we began to tell the story that God had given us. Again, on the following Friday, we were asked to speak at a conference which the boys would have attended. Connie’s response was, “We have to go.”
I am grateful to my wife for the boldness to speak and the wiliness to share with the world God’s faithfulness, mercy, and grace. Because of her quick decision to speak to the media and at the conference, the phone continues to ring with requests to speak.
As we speak at the many events, we speak of choices. We had a choice in how we should respond. But how should we respond to the “fellowship of His sufferings” mentioned in Phil 3:10?

Pastor David Jeremiah said it this way;
“How we respond, determines what you receive.”

I also read that we can despise it; be defeated by it; give up in it and quit.

Or, we can delight and rejoice in it; be strengthened by it; and continue on in it by faith.

The apostle Paul talks about his handicap in 2 Corinthians chap 12. In verse 7 reading from the Message he says,

I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down. What He in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty. At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then He told me, My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into it’s own in your weakness.

C.S. Lewis said; “We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us, we are wondering how painful the best will be.”

The Psalms have been a great source of encouragement to me over the last four years. David was a man who struggled with the many temptations of life and the many tragedies he encountered. He would fail God, his family, and his fellow man, yet, in the end, he would always cry out to God. During the grief of his many loses and failures, he would always return to the God he knew would be waiting for him.

My dad used to began many of his prayers with, “once again, Heavenly Father.” Am I talking with God so often that I can say, “It’s me again Lord?”

Recently, one day very early in the morning, I was reading and talking with the Lord when I was reminded of the song, Pour out my heart, which is taken from Psalm 62:8.

And then I read this from Oswald Chambers in MY UTMOST FOR HIS HIGHEST.

The first thing God does is get us grounded on strong reality and truth. He does this until our cares for ourselves individually have been brought into submission to His way for the purpose of His redemption. Why shouldn’t we experience heartbreak? Through those doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son. Most of us collapse at the first grip of pain. We sit down at the door of God’s purpose and enter a slow death through self-pity. And all the so-called Christian sympathy of others helps us to our deathbed. But God will not. He comes with the grip of the pierced hand of His Son, as if to say, "Enter into fellowship with Me; arise and shine." If God can accomplish His purposes in this world through a broken heart, then why not thank Him for breaking yours?

Many times I have said, “but God, I don’t want to do this anymore, it hurts too much.”

For those of you who are fans of the “Lord of the Rings”, here is my favorite line from the movie.
Frodo is understandably reluctant to take the ring. Gandalf replies, "But you have been chosen, and you must therefore use such strength and heart and wits as you have." Frodo confesses, "I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had ever happened." Gandalf replies, "So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."

As I look at the Wal-Mart Security Video, I can see the difference in how they walked. Matthew would kind of shuffle his feet he walked. He was almost never in a hurry. Jacob would have his hands in his pockets, somewhat serious. Justin would be looking at everything, taking it all in as he walked. He would also be the one talking, telling you more than you needed to know.

Occasionally, I take my boys out for breakfast and I ask them 21 questions to help me know them better and to make them think. I write their answers down and compare them over the years.

Here are three of the questions I would ask.

What do you want to do when grow up?

Matthew-zoo keeper, pilot, astronaut, artist, missionary, design robots for NASA. Graghic design.

Jacob-fly for NW Airlines, or the Navy, Lego designer, police officer, fly helicopters in the marines.
Justin-baker,cook,chef.

What is biggest disappointment in life?
Matthew-too many zits, headaches, when the ski hill closes too early.
Jacob-not getting a certain Lego. Sumac poisoning, summer school.

Justin- not racing in the pinewood because of chicken pox. He later won. Not getting award at gymnastics. Not getting new computer.

When you get to end of life what do you want to be able to look back upon and say that you have accomplished for God?

Matthew-to win souls for Christ. Turn peoples hearts to God, too be a good example, a life that honors God, not to be a lukewarm Christian, not to be ashamed to be a Christian. That I would have done all that I could do.

Jacob-help people understand that God is the only God. That I would have led 20 people to the Lord.

Justin- That I would be like a disciple of J. C. That I was thankful for what He gave me. That I would have been a good witness. That I had lived for him.

The legacy of our boys and the legacy Jesus Christ lives on, and the changed lives are living testimony to that fact.

The last time I saw them was Sunday morning, October 10th, 2004.
As I was getting ready to leave for church that morning, I walked by Matthew’s room and remember him sleeping in his messy room. I do not remember if I said goodbye to him or if he woke up to say goodbye. He would leave a short time later for work.

I had played guitar with Jacob during church and then had to leave early for work. I remember seeing a very tired Justin sitting next to his best friend Danny.
That was it, the last time, the last goodbye. I have prayed many times, Dear Jesus, give my boys a hug for me and tell them I love them. I would love to ask them, did you know your story would be told to thousands? Did you know your witness would change the hearts of so many people?

My statement to the press that Monday morning was that God is faithful. Matthew, Jacob, and Justin each had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and they are now with their Heavenly Father. Our prayer is that through this, lives will be changed, and God will be glorified.

Here I am, once again

I pour out my heart for I know that you hear

Every cry, you are listening

No matter what state my heart is in

You are faithful, to answer

with words that are true, and a hope that is real